A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. The bookkeeper is deaf, which was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer “Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is.” The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper. The bookkeeper signs back: “I don't know what you are talking about.' The attorney tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.' The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, “Ask him again!' The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!' The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!' The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?' The attorney replies, 'He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.'

Against My Own Odds

You know... Last November some of you may remember reading about my first time going out and playing golf. I am one of those persons that always considered myself too 'rednecky' or young and hip to get into it. Well that said, I have to admit that even in high school I had several friends that were all about golf and they were 'down and hip'. Well I've officially played golf uh... lets see... 5 times now. Been to the driving range twice and can honestly say that I find myself thinking about it constantly. It is incredibly fun! I could have never imagined that it would even interest me in the slightest. My score is increasing (decreasing) every time. The first 2 times I went out we played superball (using best ball of the 4 and playing from there) its geared more for fun and team play so I am not sure exactly where I was to begin with. The last 3 times I kept a legitimate score they turned out 133, 125, 117. I've knocked 8 strokes off a game each time. I do stay pretty hard on myself each time and don't take too many gimme's even though people tell me to. I know that if I play the same way each time (rules) and stay pretty strict with myself I can see my improvements better than not remembering how many "gimme's" I took. After I got my tax returns back I went out and purchased a set of clubs. They are cheap'o's but known brand and get the job done. $170'ish for a complete set and bag is great considering I have friends spending $300 for 1 club. I am dying to get back out there, this week and last are difficult for me since the weather has been so tropical.... Eeeegads!

Feeling Sentimental

Some time ago, a man punished his 3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight, and he became infuriated when the child tried to decorate a box. Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift to her father the next morning and said, "This is for you daddy." He was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found that the box was empty. He exclaimed, "Don't you know that when you give someone a present, there's supposed to be something inside it?" The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, "Oh, Daddy, it's not empty. I blew kisses into the box. All for you, Daddy." The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little girl and he begged her forgiveness. The man kept that gold box by his bed for years. Whenever he was discouraged, he would take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there. I thought this was a touching story, and wanted to share it with you all. It's a good reminder that we should not be so quick to think the worst of things. Although, due to our imperfection, it is human nature to think the worst; often times things are said or done with good intentions, and with the right motive. So let us be slow to anger, and quick to forgive.

Holy Bat Shikkakah Batman!

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good!" said the first bat, "Because I fucking didn't"

Smashing Baby!

Well I've kept busy again. It's that time of year when people feel obligated to drag friends and family to weddings and we as friends and family feel obligated to go. I've already got 3 weddings in my date book and at least one of them is over. Unfortunately that was the only one I was looking forward to so now there isn't anything to look forward to now. This first one was for a friend here at work and I have absolutely zero job description, requirements or obligations once at the wedding so for the first time in forever I don't feel all annoyed going. I enjoyed myself and got to relax and enjoy the wedding. I would have to say the only wedding aside from this that I remember having a good time was another friend of mines two years ago. It was SMASHING baby! Here are a few pictures of yours truly afterwards. Ok, enough about me! Well this is all about me right? We had this wedding on Saturday only to drive all the way back to Raleigh from Fayette'nam and try to catch up with some friends before St. Patty's Day was over... We caught up and had a decent time in the last few hours before we retired to the Waffle House for the post alcohol syrup binge. Retired home for the evening to enjoy a good snooze and relaxing Sunday. (Pictures may follow but the camera wasn't mine so I don't have them yet.) I've got another wedding this coming Saturday with some closer friends but I have a feeling it won't be as smashing as I'd like... not sure why but... I'm sure it won't. THEN in some time in may my little sister is getting married. I like the guy but there, again, is something uncomfortable about it all. Maybe it is because I will feel even older than I do now. Oh well once all these things are out of the way I can go back to enjoying my own free time and money. Bleh - Twisty

What The...

A little boy comes home from school and tells his father, "I got an F in math today." His father replies, "What happened?" The boy says, "Well, my teacher asked me, 'What's 3 times 2', and I said 6.'" The father replies, "Well, that's correct." The boy says, "I know. Then she asked me, 'What's 2 times 3.'" The father then replies, "What the fuck is the difference?" The boys says, "That's what I said!"

Potential and Reality

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned." The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would." He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!" The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two whores."

How To Make A Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be: 1. A friend 2. A companion 3. A lover 4. A brother 5. A father 6. A master 7. A chef 8. An electrician 9. A carpenter 10. A plumber 11. A mechanic 12. A decorator 13. A stylist 14. A sexologist 15. A gynecologist 16. A psychologist 17. A pest exterminator 18. A psychiatrist 19. A healer 20. A good listener 21. An organizer 22. A good father 23. Very clean 24. Sympathetic 25. Athletic 26. Warm 27. Attentive 28. Gallant 29. Intelligent 30. Funny 31. Creative 32. Tender 33. Strong 34. Understanding 35. Tolerant 36. Prudent 37. Ambitious 38. Capable 39. Courageous 40. Determined 41. True 42. Dependable 43. Passionate 44. Compassionate WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 45. Give her compliments regularly 46. Love shopping! 47. Be honest 48. Be very rich 49. Not stress her out 50. Not look at other girls AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO: 51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself 52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself 53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:! 54. Never to forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY 1. Show up naked 2. Bring food As usual, it was your pleasure... -Twisty

Where I've Been

Sorry everyone (Neo) for the long pause. I've been quite busy at work and real life and between writing on my other gaming blog and keeping up with being a 'staff writer' for WoWChron I've kinda let this place slide. My apologies. So, this last weekend the wife and I took Thursday and Friday off to take care of a couple things and a post birthday day off since I couldn't get off for my birthday do to work duties. Well, Thursday the wife and I had made an appointment for getting our taxes done and that went a lot better and quicker than I had planned. For the first time in 3 years since buying the house it actually has gotten us a sweet return. I have no idea what the crap has been screwy for the last couple years but either way thank God its better now. The wife having lost her job at the end of the year has left us a bit tight on money and this helped us get semi caught up. Hell I even went out and bought a nice new (cheap) set of golf clubs. Friday I started the main project we planned on doing over the long weekend which is redoing the bathroom. I spent the day scraping chipping paint, re-mudding and taping areas and then sanding. Then mudding, then sanding... Rinse and repeat. Saturday I started out my day by lounging around a bit then getting a really short haircut. (long overdue, and shorter than ever before) After the haarschnit I was off to play golf. knocked 8 off of my game. (Considering I've only played a couple times, thats quite nice.) Sunday I had to hear the panic of the wife realizing the project wasn't a 'magic wand' project and wanting to have her bathroom back by Monday morning. I sped through the rest of the project and had it finished up enough so she had it by Monday. Now I have to go back and touch up several areas before it is totally done but it doesn't look too awful. Psst, Neo I was able to get to your site again recently but who knows how long that will last. How's that job thing coming along? As usual I'm worried about my soulmate. Get better honeybunnykittybootybutt. -Twisty